Saturday, May 23, 2015

LIFE

The chaos is overwhelming, surrounding, dis-empowering, even destroying
I try to hide, run away, crawl under a rock, camouflage into the darkness
I look out from the shadows, peeking through the cracks of light I have found in my hole
I see everyone, everything, running, screaming, calling out as if they are lost
Kids are crying for mommy, cats are crying for food, dogs are on the table, and husband?
where is my husband? he has left to get a soda BC he can
The chaos on the outside is only tripled by the anarchy, bedlam, clutter, disarray inside my mind
Confusion, complexity, fog, even a labyrinth of a mess
I love my kids there is no apprehension there. They are just all at once devastating, severe, sharp, eye opening, and paralyzing.
Alone or a couple at a time they are tranquil, laid back, patient, loving, and understandable.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

FOR ANYONE WHO SUFFERS OR KNOW SOMEONE WITH FIBROMYALGIA...

Friday, July 16, 2010 at 7:24pm

1. MY PAIN---MY PAIN IS NOT YOUR PAIN. IT IS NOT CAUSED BY INFLAMMATION.TAKING ARTHRITIS MEDICATION WILL NOT HELP ME. I CANNOT WORK MY PAIN OUT OR SHAKE IT OFF. IT IS NOT EVEN A PAIN THAT STAYS PUT. TODAY IT IS MY SHOULDER, BUT TOMORROW IT MAY BE IN MY FOOT OR GONE. MY PAIN IS BELIEVED TO BE CAUSED BY IMPROPER SIGNALS SENT TO THE BRAIN. IT IS NOT WELL UNDERSTOOD BUT IT IS REAL...
2. MY FATIGUE---I AM NOT MERELY TIRED.I AM OFTEN IN A SEVERE STATE OF EXHAUSTION. I MAY WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES BUT I CANT.PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY. IF YOU SAW ME SHOPPING AT THE MALL YESTERDAY BUT I CANT HELP YOU WITH THE YARD WORK TODAY, ITS NOT CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO. I AM NOW PAYING THE PRICE FOR STRESSING MY MUSCLES BEYOND THEIR CAPABILITY.
3. MY FORGETFULNESS---THOSE OF US WHO SUFFER CALL IF "FIBRO FOG". I MAY NOT REMEMBER YOUR NAME, BUT I DO REMEMBER YOU. I MAY NOT REMEMBER WHAT I PROMISED TO DO FOR YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU JUST TOLD ME SECONDS AGO. MY PROBLEM HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY AGE BUT MAY BE RELATED TO SLEEP DEPRIVATION. I DO NOT HAVE SELECTIVE MEMORY. ON SOME DAYS I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY SHORT TERM MEMORY AT ALL...
4. Your Fibromyalgia is not MY Fibromyalgia........... There are differing degrees of suffering from this illness. Just because you know someone who has it and functions just fine, does not mean that I can. Just because you have it and it's just a mild irritant, does not mean that I'm lying or lazy when I say it can change and try to control my life.
4. MY CLUMSINESS---IF I STEP ON YOUR TOES OR RUN INTO YOU FIVE TIMES IN A CROWD, I AM NOT PURPOSEFULLY TARGETING YOU. I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH MUSCLE CONTROL FOR THAT. IF YOU ARE BEHIND ME ON THE STAIRS, PLEASE BE PATIENT. THESE DAYS I TAKE LIFE AND STAIR WELLS ONE STEP AT A TIME...
5. MY SENSITIVITIES---I JUST CANT STAND IT. IT COULD BE ANY NUMBER OF THINGS; BRIGHT LIGHT, LOUD OR HIGH PITCHED NOISES, ODORS. SO DON'T MAKE ME OPEN THE DRAPES OR LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD CRY. I REALLY CANT STAND IT.
6..MY INTOLERANCE---I CANT STAND HEAT OR HUMIDITY. IF I AM A MAN, I SWEAT PROFUSELY. IF I AM A WOMAN, I SWEAT PROFUSELY. BOTH ARE EQUALLY EMBARRASSING, SO PLEASE DON'T FEEL COMPELLED TO POINT THIS SHORT COMING OUT TO ME. I KNOW. DON'T BE SURPRISED IF I SHAKE UNCONTROLLABLY WHEN IT IS COLD. I DON'T TOLERATE COLD EITHER. MY INTERNAL THERMOSTAT IS BROKEN AND NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO FIX IT...
7. MY DEPRESSION---YES, THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I WOULD RATHER STAY IN BED OR IN THE HOUSE AND DIE. SEVERE, UNRELENTING PAIN CAN CAUSE DEPRESSION. YOUR SINCERE CONCERN AND UNDERSTANDING CAN PULL ME BACK FROM THE BRINK. YOUR SNIDE REMARKS CAN TIP ME OVER THE EDGE...
8. MY STRESS---MY BODY DOES NOT HANDLE STRESS WELL. IF I HAVE TO GIVE UP MY JOB, WORK PART TIME OR HANDLE RESPONSIBILITIES FROM HOME, I' NOT LAZY. EVERYDAY STRESSES MAKE MY SYMPTOMS WORSE AND CAN INCAPACITATE ME COMPLETELY...
9. MY WEIGHT---I MAY BE FAT OR I MAY BE SKINNY.EITHER WAY, IT IS NOT BY CHOICE. MY BODY IS NOT YOUR BODY. MY APPETITE IS BROKEN AND NO BODY CAN TELL ME HOW TO FIX IT...
10. MY NEED FOR THERAPY---IF I GET A MASSAGE EVERY WEEK, DON'T ENVY ME. MY MASSAGE IS NOT YOUR MASSAGE.CONSIDER HOW A MASSAGE WOULD FEEL IF THAT CHARLEY HORSE YOU HAD IN YOUR LEG LAST WEEK WAS ALL OVER YOUR BODY. MASSAGING IT OUT WAS VERY PAINFUL, BUT IT HAD TO BE DONE. MY BODY IS KNOT FILLED. IF I CAN STAND THE PAIN --REGULAR MASSAGE CAN HELP -AT LEAST TEMPORARILY.
11. MY GOOD DAYS---IF YOU SEE ME SMILING OR FUNCTIONING NORMALLY, DON'T ASSUME THAT I HAVE BEEN CURED. I SUFFER FROM A CHRONIC PAIN AND FATIGUE ILLNESS WITH NO CURE. I CAN HAVE GOOD DAYS, WEEKS OR EVEN MONTHS. IN FACT, THE GOOD DAYS ARE WHAT KEEPS ME GOING...
I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU TO UNDERSTAND ME, BUT IF YOU STILL DOUBT MY PAIN, YOU LOCAL BOOK STORE , LIBRARY AND THE INTERNET WILL HAVE ARTICLES ON " FIBROMYALGIA".
THIS IS BASED ON COMMUNICATIONS WITH PEOPLE THROUGH OUT THE WORLD WHO SUFFER FROM FIBROMYALGIA.IT IS ESTIMATED THAT OVER 10, 000, 000 PEOPLE SUFFER FROM THIS DISEASE/
PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR PAIN LIGHTLY. YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO SPEND A DAY IN THERE SHOES OR THEIR BODIES.
I SUFFER FROM FIBROMYALGIA...SO PLEASE, SHARE THIS INFORMATION WITH FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES AND SPREAD THE AWARENESS ON "FIBROMYALGIA"

Monday, August 9, 2010

you

your soul embracing my broken heart

your kiss soothing my pain

your touch is a creative art

youve made my insanity sain

breathing in your tantilizing scent

melting at your gaze

things i thought were never ment

blissful with your praise

your shoulder absorbing my every tear

your words depressing all doubt

your love sheltering my every fear

i need within and without

longing to feel your fingers

aching for your care

the tickling sensation lingers

as if you were still here

imagining your laughter

seeing the engraved smile

happily ever after

it still happens once in a while

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Shangrila (another one only the los and lettes will understand)

My thoughts race
as I look through faded memories of what once was
My heart aches
as my eyes fill with the bloody tears of hated thoughts of what could have been
Time stands still
only for a moment for you to realize how much you truly hurt
Clock ticks again
as the anger rushes over turning into pain all over again
Tinted glass
can only shade you from the direct violence of the rage
There is no way to escape...
nowhere to run...
Why run...
Why hide
It hurts so much that I just want to fade away
into the shadows
that are left by the fallen los and lettes
in hopes that I will be taken into Shangri la with their souls
Drift away into nothing
Into the depths of darkness
Into the epitome of the never ending silence
I close my eyes
and imagine the hatchet that one day
will take the last breath of my existence
When i see the blood trickle down the sharpened blade
and finally
I see happiness
mmfwkl

I wrote this while he was in Iraq

emptyness is over powerering

the pain of hurt so real

clouds of loss its towering

short of breath with what i feel

missing your embrace

your smell it lingers here

the smile on your face

overwhelming sence of fear

i cry myself to sleep

waiting for your call

i cry myself to sleep

i miss you after all

hearing your heartbeat

the taste of your lips

feelings of defeat

i just cant get a grip

to hear your voice

touch your skin

you had no choice

but to go back again

i cry myself to sleep

waiting for your call

i cry myself to sleep

i miss you after all

the tears they fall

emotions strong

as i wait for your call

and fear something is wrong

waiting...

time ticking...

anticipating...

nuthing....

i cry myself to sleep

waiting for your call

i cry myself to sleep

i miss you after all

i

cry myself

to sleep

time

time is only a matter of perception

perception depends on mood ..

mood depends on environment

and you are always where you put yourself

so...

your time is wasted by your choice

not my or anyone elses doing

IMMA BITCH

you think I’m a bitch
ha you wait and see
as My heart slowly rips apart
I become colder and colder
as I think of you and the way you are
the knife cuts deeper into my heart
just remember you think I’m a bitch now
you just wait!!!!